Gen 2:18 - Es ist nicht gut, dass der Mensch allein sei
Gen 2:18 - Ich will ihm eine Hilfe machen, die ihm entspricht
Gen 1:27 - Mann und Frau schuf er sie
Gen 1:28 - Seid fruchtbar und mehret euch
Gen 2.24 - Darum verlässt der Mann Vater und Mutter und bindet sich an seine Frau
Lev 18:22 - Du sollst nicht mit einem Mann liegen wie mit einer Frau, ist es ein Gräuel
Röm 1.27 - Homosexualität genannt unnatürlich und schamlose
1 Kor 6:9 - Praktizierende Homosexuelle werden nicht in den Himmel kommen
Mt 25:31-45 - Jesus ist derjenige, der urteilen wird (das ist nicht der Job von Gläubigern)
Mt 19:19 - Du sollst deinen Nächsten lieben wie dich selbst (Homosexuelle sind Ihre Nächsten)
(Quelle: Sebastian R. Fama. Copyright © 2001 StayCatholic.com. Übersetzt mit Genehmigung. Übersetzer: Mike Esquibel. Herzlichen Dank, Mike!)
Warum will man eigentlich Gruppen wie "Jason" nicht den Zugang zu öffentlichen Einrichtungen ermöglichen? Warum dürfen nicht auch wir zu Schülerinnen und Schülern sprechen, uns an Mitarbeiterinnen und Mitarbeiter von öffentlichen Einrichtungen wenden oder unsere Prospekte dort auslegen?
Manchmal wird das damit begründet, dass wir nicht "religiös neutral" seien. Was will man aber eigentlich damit sagen? Vor allem in Bundesländern wie Bayern, wo der christliche Glaube (noch) in der Verfassung steht! Konsequent zu Ende gedacht, dürte man dann auch keine Informations-Broschüren der örtlichen Kirchen auslegen, oder der örtlichen Synagoge oder der muslimischen Gemeinde. Auch dürfte man dann keinen Religionsunterricht erteilen (wobei man durchaus argumentieren kann, dass wir vielleicht genau auf diesem Weg sind!)
Auch beinhaltet dies einen Irrglauben, dass etwas "neutral" oder "objektiv" oder "nicht wertend" sei, wenn kein religiöser Hintergrund zu erkennen ist. Ein Beispiel: Auch die Aussage "es gibt keinen Gott" ist wertend und beruht auf einem Glaubens-Gerüst.
Eine Aussage jedoch, etwas sei "neutral" oder "nicht wertend" ist in sich schon ein Widerspruch, da auch sie auf einer Wert-besetzten Grundlage beruht und es so etwas wie "Neutralität" nicht gibt - vor allem nicht bei Themen wie gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen.
"Neutral" oder "objektiv" wäre es dann schon eher, wenn man ein Thema aus mehreren Perspektiven beleuchtet - also auch uns einlädt oder Menschen, die dies wünschen, die Möglichkeit gibt, sich über uns zu informieren. Wenn die Wissenschaft die Möglichkeit hätte, frei zu forschen und nicht nur dem nachzugehen und das zu publizieren, was "politisch korrekt" ist. Wenn dies auch an Schulen und Universitäten unterrichtet würde.
Abschließend ein Wort zum spirituellen Hintergrund derartiger Aussagen: Im christlichen Glauben gibt es so etwas wie "Neutralität" nicht. Auch ist der christliche Glaube keine "Privatsache". Gott lässt es uns offen, ob wir uns für oder gegen Ihn entscheiden. Beides jedoch hat Konsequenzen...
How Does Gay "Marriage" Affect Us?
I ENCOURAGE YOU TO ALWAYS try to get in all three prongs of the argument. Different issues resound with different people.
KNOW THE ARGUMENT -
1) Legal -- the people (States) have a right to define marriage because they are financially and legally invested in it. The government cannot require us to pay taxes, subsidies, enforce laws, honor licenses in the form of marriage benefits to such 'couples' without providing a return (if we so vote - as most states have). Married people do something 'extra' to earn public benefits. The return is the creation of the future - because WE ALL USE the children of the future. Our future doctors, policemen, cable guy, etc. Do not fall for arguments like "the infertile or elderly". Court cases have already noted that the government has no idea who is infertile, no idea who is medically correctable, no idea what the future holds and no authority to find out. Simply put -- it is ruled "unenforceable". In the case of two people of the same sex, however, we don't have to play stupid that they produce nothing under any circumstances to earn those benefits we subsidize. The elderly, in most cases, have ALREADY raised their children, done that work and expended their fortunes doing it - they aren't 89 year old virgins. The law applies solid common sense to these arguments. The public must receive some benefit for their investment. This argument has been repeatedly upheld by state and federal courts.
2) Health - the FDA, US Medical Board and medical boards around the world have banned those engaging in homosexuality from donating sperm, blood and organs -- because it was KILLING people. We shouldn't have to go into graphic detail to explain how misusing the body results in higher rates of cancer, hepatitis, bacterial infections, reactive arthritis, AIDS and a hundred other conditions you've never heard of except posted on this page. WHY would the public be interested in encouraging more of it and teaching or exposing it to children ? Monogamy and condoms do not prevent cancer and many others. Small, independent doctors groups have been campaigning against encouraging these pseudo-marriages (we've posted them - the ones not beholden to large left wing donations).
3) Religious - besides your religious doctrine (since every religion opposes the behavior, most likely established millenia ago due to the disease issues - even the EGYPTIANs commented on it), there is the fact that while certain groups stomp around talking about their rights - what they really mean is what they WISH was their rights because there is only ONE specified constitutionally protected BEHAVIOR, and that is the RIGHT TO RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. "Because God says so" is not a public policy argument - it is an argument of personal religious conviction and that is fine. But God gave us brains to make effective public policy arguments too. A lot of people rightfully understand and respect your personal convictions but are waiting to hear why those who don't share your faith should be subject to your personal convictions. The "religious public policy" answer to that is that religion is constitutionally protected and sexual preference is NOT. Imposing the behavior on you, your children, your place of work, your business or in any unreasonable way in your life is a violation of a real constitutional right that we need to fight to retain and protect. It isn't that we're imposing religion on others - it's that the Constitution protects us from them imposing their ways on us. Passing marriage laws that violate our ways by force of law violates the 1st Amendment.
What Are the Saints Saying?
What the Saints say about the sin of WANTED and ACTED UPON homosexuality:
The Code of Canon Law undertaken at the initiative and encouragement of Saint Pius X, and published in 1917 by his successor Pope Benedict XV, says this: “So far as laymen are concerned, the sin of sodomy is punished ipso facto with the pain of infamy and other sanctions to be applied according to the prudent judgment of the Bishop depending on the gravity of each case (Can. 2357). As for ecclesiastics and religious, if they are clerici minoris [that is, of the degree lower than deacon], let them be punished with various measures, proportional to the gravity of the fault, that can even include dismissal from the clerical state (Can. 2358); if they are clerici maiores [that is, deacons, priests or bishops], let them ‘be declared infamous and suspended from every post, benefit, dignity, deprived of their eventual stipend and, in the gravest cases, let them be deposed’ (Can. 2359, par. 2)”
Tertullian, the great apologist of the Church in the second century, writes: “All other frenzies of lusts which exceed the laws of nature and are impious toward both bodies and the sexes we banish … from all shelter of the Church, for they are not sins so much as monstrosities.” (Tertullian, De pudicitia, IV, in J. McNeil, op. cit., p. 89)
Saint Basil of Caesarea, the fourth century Church Father who wrote the principal rule of the monks of the East, establishes this: “The cleric or monk who molests youths or boys or is caught kissing or committing some turpitude, let him be whipped in public, deprived of his crown [tonsure] and, after having his head shaved, let his face be covered with spittle; and [let him be] bound in iron chains, condemned to six months in prison, reduced to eating rye bread once a day in the evening three times per week. After these six months living in a separate cell under the custody of a wise elder with great spiritual experience, let him be subjected to prayers, vigils and manual work, always under the guard of two spiritual brothers, without being allowed to have any relationship … with young people.” (St. Basil of Caesarea, in St. Peter Damien, Liber Gomorrhianus, op. cit. cols. 174f.)
Saint Augustine is categorical in the combat against sodomy and similar vices. The great Bishop of Hippo writes: “Sins against nature, therefore, like the sin of Sodom, are abominable and deserve punishment whenever and wherever they are committed. If all nations committed them, all alike would be held guilty of the same charge in God’s law, for our Maker did not prescribe that we should use each other in this way. In fact, the relationship that we ought to have with God is itself violated when our nature, of which He is Author, is desecrated by perverted lust.” Further on he reiterates: “Your punishments are for sins which men commit against themselves, because, although they sin against You, they do wrong in their own souls and their malice is self-betrayed. They corrupt and pervert their own nature, which You made and for which You shaped the rules, either by making wrong use of the things which You allow, or by becoming inflamed with passion to make unnatural use of things which You do not allow” (Rom. 1:26). (St. Augustine, Confessions, Book III, chap.
Saint John Chrysostom denounces homosexual acts as being contrary to nature. Commenting on the Epistle to the Romans (1: 26-27), he says that the pleasures of sodomy are an unpardonable offense to nature and are doubly destructive, since they threaten the species by deviating the sexual organs away from their primary procreative end and they sow disharmony between men and women, who no longer are inclined by physical desire to live together in peace.
The brilliant Patriarch of Constantinople employs most severe words for the vice we are analyzing. Saint John Chrysostom makes this strong argument: “All passions are dishonorable, for the soul is even more prejudiced and degraded by sin than is the body by disease; but the worst of all passions is lust between men…. The sins against nature are more difficult and less rewarding, since true pleasure is only the one according to nature. But when God abandons a man, everything is turned upside down! Therefore, not only are their passions [of the homosexuals] satanic, but their lives are diabolic….. So I say to you that these are even worse than murderers, and that it would be better to die than to live in such dishonor. A murderer only separates the soul from the body, whereas these destroy the soul inside the body….. There is nothing, absolutely nothing more mad or damaging than this perversity.” (St. John Chrysostom, In Epistulam ad Romanos IV, in J. McNeill, op. cit., pp. 89-90)
Saint Gregory the Great delves deeper into the symbolism of the fire and brimstone that God used to punish the sodomites: “Brimstone calls to mind the foul odors of the flesh, as Sacred Scripture itself confirms when it speaks of the rain of fire and brimstone poured by the Lord upon Sodom. He had decided to punish in it the crimes of the flesh, and the very type of punishment emphasized the shame of that crime, since brimstone exhales stench and fire burns. It was, therefore, just that the sodomites, burning with perverse desires that originated from the foul odor of flesh, should perish at the same time by fire and brimstone so that through this just chastisement they might realize the evil perpetrated under the impulse of a perverse desire.” (St. Gregory the Great, Commento morale a Giobbe, XIV, 23, vol. II, p. 371, Ibid., p. 7)
Saint Peter Damian’s Liber Gomorrhianus [Book of Gomorrha], addressed to Pope Leo IX in the year 1051, is considered the principal work against homosexuality. It reads: “Just as Saint Basil establishes that those who incur sins [against nature] … should be subjected not only to a hard penance but a public one, and Pope Siricius prohibits penitents from entering clerical orders, one can clearly deduce that he who corrupts himself with a man through the ignominious squalor of a filthy union does not deserve to exercise ecclesiastical functions, since those who were formerly given to vices … become unfit to administer the Sacraments.” (St. Peter Damian, op. cit., cols. 174f)
St. Peter Damian also writes:
“This vice strives to destroy the walls of one’s heavenly motherland and rebuild those of devastated Sodom. Indeed, it violates temperance, kills purity, stifles chastity and annihilates virginity ... with the sword of a most infamous union. It infects, stains and pollutes everything; it leaves nothing pure, there is nothing but filth ... This vice expels one from the choir of the ecclesiastical host and obliges one to join the energumens and those who work in league with the devil; it separates the soul from God and links it with the demons. This most pestiferous queen of the Sodomites [which is homosexuality] makes those who obey her tyrannical laws repugnant to men and hateful to God ... It humiliates at church, condemns at court, defiles in secret, dishonors in public, gnaws at the person’s conscience like a worm and burns his flesh like fire... “The miserable flesh burns with the fire of lust, the cold intelligence trembles under the rancor of suspicion, and the unfortunate man’s heart is possessed by hellish chaos, and his pains of conscience are as great as the tortures in punishment he will suffer ... Indeed, this scourge destroys the foundations of faith, weakens the force of hope, dissipates the bonds of charity, annihilates justice, undermines fortitude, ... and dulls the edge of prudence. “What else shall I say? It expels all the forces of virtue from the temple of the human heart and, pulling the door from its hinges, introduces into it all the barbarity of vice ... In effect, the one whom ... this atrocious beast [of homosexuality] has swallowed down its bloody throat is prevented, by the weight of his chains, from practicing all good works and is precipitated into the very abysses of its uttermost wickedness. Thus, as soon as someone has fallen into this chasm of extreme perdition, he is exiled from the heavenly motherland, separated from the Body of Christ, confounded by the authority of the whole Church, condemned by the judgment of all the Holy Fathers, despised by men on earth, and reproved by the society of heavenly citizens. He creates for himself an earth of iron and a sky of bronze ... He cannot be happy while he lives nor have hope when he dies, because in life he is obliged to suffer the ignominy of men’s derision and later, the torment of eternal condemnation” (Liber Gomorrhianus, in PL 145, col. 159-178).
Saint Albert the Great gives four reasons why he considers homosexual acts as the most detestable ones: They are born from an ardent frenzy; they are disgustingly foul; those who become addicted to them are seldom freed from that vice; they are as contagious as disease, passing quickly from one person to another. (St. Albert the Great, In Evangelium Lucae XVII, 29, in J. McNeill, op. cit., p. 95)
Saint Thomas Aquinas, writing about sins against nature, explains: “However, they are called passions of ignominy because they are not worthy of being named, according to that passage in Ephesians (5:12): ‘For the things that are done by them in secret, it is a shame even to speak of.’ For if the sins of the flesh are commonly censurable because they lead man to that which is bestial in him, much more so is the sin against nature, by which man debases himself lower than even his animal nature.” (St. Thomas Aquinas, Super Epistulas Sancti Pauli Ad Romanum I, 26, pp. 27f)
Saint Bonaventure, speaking in a sermon at the church of Saint Mary of Portiuncula about the miracles that took place simultaneously with the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, narrates this: “Seventh prodigy: All sodomites—men and women—died all over the earth, as Saint Jerome said in his commentary on the psalm ‘The light was born for the just.’ This made it clear that He was born to reform nature and promote chastity.” (St. Bonaventure, Sermon XXI—In Nativitate Domini, in Catolicismo (Campos/Sao Paulo), December 1987, p. 3; F. Bernardei, op. cit., p. 11)
Saint Catherine of Siena, a religious mystic of the 14 th century, relays words of Our Lord Jesus Christ about the vice against nature, which contaminated part of the clergy in her time. Referring to sacred ministers, He says: “They not only fail from resisting this frailty [of fallen human nature] … but do even worse as they commit the cursed sin against nature. Like the blind and stupid, having dimmed the light of their understanding, they do not recognize the disease and misery in which they find themselves. For this not only causes Me nausea, but displeases even the demons themselves, whom these miserable creatures have chosen as their lords. For Me, this sin against nature is so abominable that, for it alone, five cities were submersed, by virtue of the judgment of My Divine Justice, which could no longer bear them…. It is disagreeable to the demons, not because evil displeases them and they find pleasure in good, but because their nature is angelic and thus is repulsed upon seeing such an enormous sin being committed. It is true that it is the demon who hits the sinner with the poisoned arrow of lust, but when a man carries out such a sinful act, the demon leaves.” (St. Catherine of Siena, El diálogo, in Obras de Santa Catarina de Siena (Madrid: BAC, 1991), p. 292)
Saint Bernardine of Siena, a preacher of the fifteenth century, makes an accurate psychological analysis of the consequences of the homosexual vice. The illustrious Franciscan writes: “No sin has greater power over the soul than the one of cursed sodomy, which was always detested by all those who lived according to God….. Such passion for undue forms borders on madness. This vice disturbs the intellect, breaks an elevated and generous state of soul, drags great thoughts to petty ones, makes [men] pusillanimous and irascible, obstinate and hardened, servilely soft and incapable of anything. Furthermore, the will, being agitated by the insatiable drive for pleasure, no longer follows reason, but furor…. Someone who lived practicing the vice of sodomy will suffer more pains in Hell than any one else, because this is the worst sin that there is.” (St. Bernardine of Siena, Predica XXXIX, in Le prediche volgari (Milan: Rizzoli, 1936), pp. 869ff., 915, in F. Bernadei, op. cit., pp. 11f)
How Should the Church (Re-)Act When It Comes to Same-Sex Attractions?
When it comes to same-sex attractions, churches tend to (re-)act in completely different and mostly opposing ways:
1) There are churches who completely affirm all kind of same-sex behavior and relationships (usually referred to as “gay marriage”). Their theology goes somewhat like this: God gave those people same-sex attractions and this is why it also is alright with Him to live that way. Besides, Jesus is all about love and when people (no matter what sex they belong to) love one another, then this is fine with Him. Love can’t be wrong. Basically, those folks ground their theology on their personal experiences and emotions and interpret the Bible from that standpoint – instead of studying the Bible and living our lives according to the written and the living Word of God. God knew how deceitful our hearts and emotions can be and this is why He left us His written Word and also the Holy Spirit to guide His Church in order to give us something to hold on and to live by. Love as God sees it is not just a fuzzy feeling, but a life-giving, life-long, heterosexual & monogamous covenant where people give themselves (as opposed to a contract where people exchange property). A covenant that reflects the covenant of Christ with His Church.
2) Then you have churches that just don’t deal with same-sex attractions at all. Their view goes somewhat like this: We don’t have “that problem” and so we don’t need to talk about it. Also we don’t want to shy away people from our church services. The problem with that: First, every church that has a certain size is very likely to have “that problem”. Second, the church is not a hotel for saints, but a hospital for sinners. Obviously, it has greatly missed her job & vocation – else there wouldn’t be a need for ex-gay and purity ministries. Finally: Not talking about “the problem” does not make it go away. It does not help those concerned and also you will be very surprised when gay activists come breaking into your church doors someday, forcing you by law to hold same-sex “wedding ceremonies”.
3) Thirdly there are churches that seem have all the truth, but no grace at all. “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”, “We love the sinner, but hate the sin!”, “It’s wrong because the Bible says so!” and statements like that might characterize those churches. The problem here: We cannot start reaching out to people in need by telling them what not to do, even more so when this is done from a standpoint that makes the person who issues those statements look like he or she does not belong to that group of “poor little sinners”, that just need to be told they are wrong and just need to “say no”. That has little to nothing to do with the Christian faith the way Jesus taught it. First, we need to understand about God’s love and grace at first place –and if we do we can – and should! – pass it on to others the way Jesus did. Everything else flows out of this. Remember the prostitute that Jesus saved from being stoned? He did not tell her, “Haven’t you read the Thora? What you are doing is wrong! Beat it!”. No, Jesus saved her from certain death before she could even say beep. Only then did He tell her to go and sin no more. Love comes before everything else – a love without any conditions (“I love you, but…”).
4) Finally, you have the churches that do not only welcome people with open arms and a loving heart, but also go out to look for those in need before they even think about knocking on church doors. They do not only re-act, but act. They love those that others look down upon and they do this because Jesus loved us first.
Using our sexual energies another way…
Who hasn’t struggled with sexual issues in his or her life? Some think it is alright to do (almost) everything and anything that comes to our minds as far as sexual desires are concerned. Really? Resisting impulsive behavior is a sign of maturity and also something that sets human beings apart from other species. For the Jews and Christians (or Jewish believers in Jesus) among us leading a chaste life is something we do out of our love for God. We know that if He tells us to do or not to do something, then not because He likes to boss us around, but because He created us and loves us. Who should know better than Him what is good for us? When a loving father tells His child to do this or not to do that, then because he knows what could happen if the child does not follow the father’s orders. The worst thing that comes to my mind is what we pray for in the Lord’s prayer: “Lead us not into temptation”. This does not mean that God literally leads us into temptation. However, the worst scenario would be that God lets us go our own way, telling us “why, you think you know better and want to go by yourself? Okay, you can do just that!” Sometimes though the Lord seeks us by letting us go. He lets us go our own way so that having to face the consequences that this will bring along might bring us back to Him. Some sort of a last means to save an disobedient child.
Some believe that sexual energy somehow has to find a way to be expressed, else we “explode” (meaning that we “need it”, we need to have orgasm – and be it through masturbation – in order to stay physically and/or mentally healthy.) I am not a doctor and I will not give medical advice, but looking at the many people that live a pure life without having health problems through that – as opposed to the many cases of sexual transmitted diseases coming from an impure life that seeks personal pleasure and the “quick fix” rather than real satisfaction God’s way, I think I need not say more.
So what to do with that sexual energy? It is an erroneous belief that it can and should only be expressed through sexual intercourse or masturbation. Sexuality is not something bad. God has given us sexuality for a reason – for the good of the (heterosexual) spouses and the procreation of children. However, we are also told in the written Word of God that not all are made for marriage (and thus able to physically express their sexual energy through intercourse). Some renounce marriage for the sake of God’s kingdom. There we have the key: Those people express their sexual energies in a godly way: for the sake of God’s kingdom. What does that mean for us? Let’s ask God to show us our call, our vocation in life. He designed each one of us like nobody else on this planet and He did that for a reason. We were given talents that nobody else has and we are supposed to use them much like sexuality in marriage: They should become fruitful and multiply. “Not doing something” or “refraining from doing something” is only part of the deal. It is only a means, not an end, and it certainly does not bring rich fruit if things stay there. Those who renounced marriage for the kingdom of God do not stop to be men and women who have sexual energies. They must not stop there but express them the way God wants them to be expressed: for the sake of God’s kingdom.
When it comes to unwanted same-sex attractions, often times a set program loads up when certain buttons are pushed, especially when we are talking about men. You get to hear the story of the little boy who did not have a good relationship with his father and thus resulted in developing a gender-identity disorder. Or the adult man who admires in other men what he lacks in himself – the masculine traits. Other examples: A life in the gay scene that resulted in hitting rock bottom (like mental, social, professional, relational and/or health problems or disillusions), shame and guilt all along the way or broken families.
All of that could be the case. Note: it could be – but it does not necessarily have to be the case. Human sexuality is caused by a whole bunch of different factors and the mixture thereof. Also the human brain keeps on changing every minute of the day by our actions, words and deeds – all of that leaves traces. To put up one stereotyped and simplified scenario and generalize that for everyone might lead to wrong conclusions and perceptions. Not every boy who later on developed same-sex attractions had a bad or missing relationship with his father – or was sexually, emotionally, verbally or physically abused. And from those who were not everyone developed same-sex attractions. Also you cannot simplify those attractions as a “gender-identity disorder”. That definition would only cover part of it – and only for a part of those who have those attractions. People with same-sex attractions are not just “sick”. They don’t necessarily need our pity because they had a bad childhood. They are not simply “messed up”.
Also not every man with same-sex attractions ended up in the gay scene – and did not necessarily end up with many different sex partners, practicing extreme forms of sexuality, not finding a long-term monogamous relationship. Yes, all of that happens quite often – but setting up a simple pattern that makes things easy to explain and forcing them on all those who have same-sex attractions is simply not acceptable.
Not every man with same-sex attractions is desiring men who have what he thinks he does not have (for example a physically weak man with a low self-esteem that desired strong and assertive men). Some men look for similar men (even though those who tend to look and act similar from the outside are not so similar if you take a closer look). Others look for younger, tender men.
Yes, many men with same-sex attractions have a gender-identity disorder, but is this a must? Aside from that: A gender-identity disorder only covers a small part of the human being. Humans according to the Bible are an entity of body, psyche and soul. A GID only refers to the psyche (with implications on the other two though).
So what should we do? As much as patterns can be useful to describe what we experience, see and feel, we need to keep in mind that human beings don’t always follow patterns. Each person is different and needs to be seen as individual. Also those who have same-sex attractions should not just accept other people’s labels for them and see themselves as “sick” or “disordered” or try to explain their own attractions in simplified patterns. Those who try to assist people with unwanted same-sex attractions on their way to freedom should keep in mind that there is no simple system with simple rules for stereotyped persons. It just does not work that way. If you try to do that, you might become disillusioned in no time and might also disillusion those you try to help – and in the end things could be a lot worse than ever before.
For everyone involved: Get information, talk to others, find out about the true and legitimate emotional and relational needs of the person with same-sex attractions and listen closely his or her story. Find out in which areas the inner struggle lies and seek help there. If your tooth aches you wouldn’t call the pastor, right? Same with same-sex attractions: If your problem is a relational one, you can’t just “pray away the gay”. Most of all, however, we need to rely on God and trust in Him – especially in those situations where we do not see any sense or purpose, where we are scared and have no clue where this is leading us, where it all looks dark with no light in sight. Put your last bit of trust in Him. He created you and He will call you home one day – and He is the one who will never ever let you down, who can bring good out of all that trouble you might have gone through, who can heal you and whose love will never fail. Jesus died for us so the power of sin is broken. We are free!!
There is no general answer to that question. Are evil spirits or is “the evil” still active today? Can people be “possessed”? Definitely yes. To say otherwise would be both naïve and dangerous. However, before we talk about evil spirits, we need to make sure that we are not confusing that with a mental disorder. Also let’s keep in mind that many different factors contribute to the development of human sexuality. Even in the very rare cases that there definitely is demonic activity involved, deliverance from evil through a deliverance prayer or in extreme cases through an exorcism would not solve all the other problems and it would certainly not meet the underlying relational, emotional and spiritual needs. You might chase the demon out, but the problem with your dad is still very much alive and kicking.
Some might also – consciously or subconsciously – take that as an excuse that keeps them from being active as to taking steps for recovery and being responsible for present thoughts and actions. It is so much easier to blame an evil spirit than to address the underlying core issues!
Others might seek the “quick fix” through deliverance instead of going the hard road of recovery and healing. In other words: We don’t have to beg God to “take it away from us” – we already free through Christ’s atoning death on the Cross that broke the power of sin! All that keeps us from true recovery is the belief that it can be done!
Looking back on those hard years since I left the gay life in 2004 there is one thing I can definitely confirm: If you gave me the choice between the “quick fix” (like through deliverance) and those years where I had to learn to trust and believe in Him, I would always go for the last one. Yes, there were hard and painful moments, but also moments of joy and true satisfaction of coming home to the One in whose image I was created! To compare it with an image: Think of a father that teaches his son how to ride a bike. First, the son will be scared when dad takes off the crutches. Dad will still hold his sonny at first to give him some confidence and courage, but step by step he will let him ride on his own. Little sonny might take the whole street trying to ride straight ahead and sometimes he will also fall and scratch his knee, but dad will always be there with him, teaching him everything he needs to know for riding his little bike. Imagine the joy the little boy will experience once he manages to handle his bike – and how proud his daddy will be of him! That was pretty much how God taught me to live another life. He also rewarded me with an extra: He brought many great friends into my life, godly men that stand with me in good and bad.
None of that I’d have ever gotten through a snip of the finger that turned me from gay to straight” in a second. And boy am I grateful it happened the way it did.
A Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body!
Health is crucial for all of us. Christians know that their body is the temple of the Lord and this is why we need to take care of it and keep it in good shape. Note that we are not simply talking about physical health here, but also mental and spiritual health.
Here some points to ponder (note that these are NOT medical advices. Talk with your doctor or therapist about these points! Also these are only some points. I am sure there is a lot more to think about!):
• Make sure you go for a check-up to your doctor and dentist at least once a year.
• Watch your food habits (in short: Try to eat much fruit and vegetables – if possible uncooked. Cut down on alcohol, coffee, sugar and meat. Drink enough water each day. Make sure your food comes from your area and not from other countries. Eat the fruit and vegetables that grow during the season you are in. Eat whole grain products and brown or wild rice and avoid superfine flour and husked rice. Avoid fast food. Also avoid heating meals in the microwave. Avoid products that are chemically changed a lot.)
• Get a daily structure regarding the times you get up and go to bed, the times you eat and so on.
• Get enough sleep (thumb rule: eight hours a day).
• Do sports on a regular basis (like going to the gym, hiking, walking, swimming or whatever else there is). Even 30 minutes of walking a day can do you much good.
• Follow your doctor’s advice.
• If you have serious physical problems or problems that have been going on for some weeks already, don’t hesitate to go to your doctor.
• Make sure you get enough rest and also fun times in your life.
• Learn about ways to calm down (like autogenic training, muscle relaxation according to Jacobson and the like).
• Find out the stress factors in your life and eliminate them if possible.
• Surround yourself with things you like. If you don’t like the color of the wall in the kitchen, change it!
• Learn about healthy ways to set boundaries.
• Find out about your emotional needs and learn to meet them a healthy way.
• Make sure your social needs are met a healthy way.
• If you have been hurt, seek someone to talk about it. Then learn to forgive! Don’t let past hurts ruin the rest of your life!
• Get a positive attitude. Your perspective on things makes the difference!
• Work on your masculine (for women: feminine) identity. Seek the company of other men (women) to learn from them and grow with them. If possible, take part in programs like Men’s Fraternity.
• Keep your mind busy. Life is not a long and silent river. We need to keep on learning, growing and maturing.
• Find out about your calling in life. Thumb rule: Find out what you are passionate about. God gave us our passions for a reason!
• Get a mentor if possible.
• Surround yourself with healthy men (women).
• Seek good friends!
• If you have serious mental problems or problems that have been going on for some weeks already, don’t hesitate to go to a psychiatrist. Follow his advice.
• Set up a daily structure. You would not ride a motor bike without a helmet, so don’t start the day without putting on your spiritual armor either! Pray, meditate and read the Bible each morning!
• Seek a spiritual mentor.
• Join a local church community.
• Find out about spiritually unhealthy things or people in your life and avoid them if possible.
• Do works of love.
• Repent and confess your sins regularly. Find out about practical steps to make amends or to avoid sinning in the future.
• Pray like there is no tomorrow.
• Pray more
• If the Lord calls you to do that: Congratulations! This is a very rewarding ministry, but also highly responsible and at times stressful.
• Start preparing yourself. There are lots of good resources out there (like the books by Joe Dallas).
• Seek an accountability partner for yourself.
• Ask people from other ex-gay ministries for guidance and support.
• Make sure you have a daily spiritual life of prayer and Bible study.
• Join a local church.
• Get supervision and pastoral care for yourself.
• Make sure to surround yourself with healthy friends and family members who support you.
• Make sure to know your own emotional needs and have them met a healthy way.
• Know yourself. Know your strong and weak points and prepare yourself.
• Get training in Christian counseling or psychotherapy.
• Know the Bible.
• Know your adversary’s arguments and how to contradict them.
• Be sure you can take a strong wind blowing right into your face from now on: Gay activists won’t like what you are doing!
• Have perseverance. There will be times when you will be sitting alone waiting for the support group members or whoever to show up – and they won’t. Don’t give up – people need to be able to rely on the fact that there is a safe haven for them! Also know that you will get to hear some painful stories. Can you take that?
• Make sure to have some fun time in your life, some time to relax.
• Make sure to lead a physically, mentally and spiritually healthy life.
• Set up a plan for your ministry: What is it all about? Which resources do you have? How about finances? Is there a program you can work with? Do you want to offer your services for free or charge money?
• Go online. Set up a homepage, a facebook page and a twitter account. You might even want to offer Skype-meetings.
• Go international.
• Get more people into the boat. It should never become a one-man (or one-woman)-ministry.
• Make contacts with other ministries. We are not out to fight one another, but to co-operate!
• Is your ministry Christian or secular? Even if it is Christian, you should never make it a condition for people to join to be or become Christians themselves. You are out to help people with unwanted same-sex attractions, not to make Christian converts.
• The only condition for people who want to take part in your ministry or seek its help should be the will to be free – and nothing else!
• Times are getting rough. Are you ready to stand up for your ministry – and your faith – whatever might come up? Are you ready for legal – and other – attacks?
• Do you have a heart for people with unwanted same-sex attractions? If you don’t love them like Christ would, don’t even think of starting a ministry!
• Last but not least: It is so much worth it!!
"I can only pray that they forgive me for the wrong that I have done, the ones that I have given AIDS, even murdered. The families I have broken and torn apart purposely. The lives I have destroyed. The souls I have led into
darkness. Oh Father, God, please forgive me for the lies I've told, for committing adultery, for stealing from so many, for worshiping money and sex and the pleasures of sin, for cursing Your Holy Name, my parents and my neighbors, for desiring, coveting, taking and hurting others to have what was not mine. For engaging in detestable and disgusting acts. FORGIVE ME ! In Jesus' Holy & Precious Name Lord, forgive me and come into my heart, my soul,
my life. Mold me into the man of God that You created me to be. Amen !"
He carried me through the storm and made it possible for me to tell you my own story so that I have a part in crushing everything that satan has told you and led you to believe. You have accepted complete sin as a "way of life" or a "lifestyle." And I am here to let you know that there is no "way of life" or "lifestyle" called homosexuality, or transgenderism, or prostitution, or sexual promiscuity and there is no tolerance for living that sin when in your heart you KNOW it is wrong. You KNOW that those feelings you are having are not right. You KNOW this because it is the truth. Now I know we are in a society where most of these things I have mentioned are not looked down upon, as a matter of fact some have been accepted as lifestyles. Homosexuality and transgenderism is considered "natural" and "normal". They are everything except natural OR normal! Sexual addictions renamed. Sin.
I am constantly under attack by demons trying to take me back to the darkness that I dwelt in for too many years, but my strength is through Jesus Christ and He will, and does, give me strength to carry on. That pesky devil has no power over me.
I lived in homosexual sin for many years and I was one of those "very gay" flamboyant people who, if you didn't know I was homosexual then you had to be blind, deaf and not paying attention. Did I have sexual encounters when I was a child with males older than me ? Yes I did. Was I molested ? Yes I was, even though I never refused or stopped them. In fact, I desired the attention as much as I could possibly get it. But I do not feel that I became homosexual because I was molested, or because I did not have a father in my life. I was very young when I had my first homosexual experience and I was 37 years old when I had my last. Over thirty years of detestable sin. I keep saying "detestable" because that is what homosexuality is to God, it is an abomination to Him. There is no in between, or acceptance in ANY Holy Bible that would allow anyone to think otherwise. You were not BORN that way and it is NOT okay to be that way. It is NOT okay for you to have those feelings and whoever told you that it is okay, is employed by the devil and the truth is not in them!
From the moment I was conceived I was on a rough road. I wasn't three months in my mother's womb when my father committed suicide, and that moment changed everything in my life. I grew up in a house full of women, my two older brothers were never around so I was always with my mother, sister or female cousins. And my only two friends were girls to. I never had a father figure in my life and I may have longed for that. Is that what caused me to like the sexual advances from other boys and men ? I don't know and frankly it doesn't matter now. What matters now is that I know the Truth and I let you know the Truth, in hopes that you will SEE & FEEL the conviction of your sin as I did and turn away from it, repent and believe. I went from being a cute little boy to a very smart, manipulative, sexually suggestive and conniving little person, and I did so before I was even 10 years old. I had no clue I was on a path that would eventually bring me to a crossroad of death or God's Almighty Salvation !
And there is no doubt which road I took as I am here today to tell you of my own journey to God.
It is our choices that lead us astray. We CHOOSE sin. Granted, we are all born into sin and shaped in
iniquity, but we have free will to make choices as we grow up, and those choices are
what lead us down the paths we are on in life... some have tragic endings.
Not only did I have feminine mannerisms about me but I looked very feminine also, actually I passed for a young girl very easily on more than one occasion. Once I figured this out and realized I could receive even more attention and physical encounters, I used it to my advantage very quickly. By the age of 11 or 12 I was cutting school and heading to the local mall where I would put on a little bit of make-up that I stole and go on the hunt. I had a few very short lived relationships with other males who actually thought I was a young girl. I performed as many sexual acts for them, and with them, as I could without going all the way to keep them from finding out my "secret". When it got to the point where they wanted to take it "all the way", I just simply stopped seeing them and vanished from their lives. I never knew, or realized, the harm I was putting myself in. But here I was a 12 year old boy passing for a 15 or 16 year old girl and I was getting so much attention from so many different men that I knew I did not want it to end. After a few years of getting deeper and deeper into trouble with my mom and family, my mom was at her wit's end with me so she took me to live in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire, as they say. First we stayed with a family friend in an area of the city that was flooded with drugs & crime, which is where I discovered cocaine and started using on a weekly basis. At 15 years old I robbed the neighbors house, eventually getting caught but no charges were filed. My mom had met a nice man and they began dating on a regular basis, eventually moving to the Northeast section, which was definitely a nicer area. I was spoiled and never could do any wrong in my mother's eyes,
so I got away with much more than I should have.
I quickly found the downtown section, called Center City, where all of the homosexuals hung out. I saw how open they were about it and how it was okay there. I was taken under their wings almost immediately and was part of something. I wasn't sure what I was a part of but it sure felt good to find people that felt, and acted, like me and to be accepted by them so quickly. They made me feel like I was in a brand new "family" that I never had because they were always hugging and holding hands, always so close together. Then, I met the "drag queens" & the "trannys", the ones that I felt more of a connection to because they "understood" my feelings of not wanting to be who I was. They agreed with my passion for acting like and dressing like a woman. They assisted in my growth in this new world and they made sure I understood that what I felt was normal. Assuring me it was OKAY to dress like a woman, it was definitely OKAY to engage in these sexual acts with other men and that it would be an even better idea to charge these men for letting them have their way with my body. It wasn't long before I was running away from home, staying out all night, dressing up like a woman, drinking, doing more drugs, taking female hormone shots and pills, prostituting myself on the streets all night long, sleeping in parks, motels and eventually getting arrested for numerous things. Finding myself in trouble with the law several times I ended up going to a juvenile detention lock-up facility where I realized I was even more special because I looked and acted so much like a girl. It seemed as if almost all of the other boys wanted to show me "affection and love" and those who didn't pretty much just stayed away from me. I did have a few really bad and scary encounters like being forced to engage in a sexual act in the bathroom by a few different boys. After being sent to a court ordered home, running away and then going from place to place, I was eventually sent to an all boys school by the court where I graduated high school and tried to get a handle on my life. I still wanted to take female hormones and dress like a woman but I didn't want to do it while living in parks, motels and where ever I could lay my head at. I was 17 years old when I graduated from high school and after my mom split up with her boyfriend we moved to a neighborhood, called Frankford, it was definitely not the Northeast but we all fit in quite well. At this point in my life I had engaged in sexual activities with well over a thousand men and I pretty much knew that I was HIV+, because so many of my friends and past lovers were. I went from living at home and being the feminine gay guy to living with friends or in motels, dressing like a woman, prostituting and partying. Then I would move back home and just be the feminine flamboyant gay guy for awhile. It was a never ending cycle for me. I would take off to New York City or Florida or Virginia, survive
for a few months and return home to the safety and comfort of mom & home.
I always remembered the attention I got when I had gotten locked up and put away, it stuck in the back of my mind like a dream or desire. I was arrested after turning 18, for beating some woman in the head with a railroad spike, kicking in her door and busting out her windows to her house because she disrespected my mom and my sister. I was not in juvie hall any more, I was sent to the adult facility where there were even more men that wanted to engage in special activities with me and I enjoyed it. I found myself liking it and wanting to actually stay in jail. It was like a safe haven for me because I had no worries and no competition because the men in there saw me as the closest thing they were going to get to a female. The female hormones had begun to work awhile back and I started to grow breasts and my body was getting more feminine in it's appearance. I spent a month or so in the county jail and then I was ready to go back
to the free world where I could enjoy all of the same things but in the comforts of my own home.
At 19 years old I decided I wanted to do something with my life and get some job training, so I enrolled in Job Corps and was sent to W. Virginia where I started enjoying the everyday hustle of going to classes, job training and then back to the dorms for the activities that I enjoyed most of all, being the feminine & girly looking boy that other boys wanted to use for their own enjoyment, and I was okay with that. In my mind that contact was attention, which was affection, which meant they were showing me love, some type of love. At least that is what I would tell myself and convince myself of. Well, my experiences at Job Corps came to an abrupt end when I was called into the nurses office to be told that I was, in fact, HIV+. Now it is one thing to THINK you are PROBABLY HIV+, but believe me, it is a whole different story to be told that you ARE HIV+. I left Job Corps, returned home and went into a deep depression. I was only 19 years old at the time and had lived the life not many had gotten to endure yet or even some have yet to make it through. Then to top it off my best friend, Michelle, was murdered. She was shot, execution style, during a drug deal gone bad in N.Y.C.. It all just tore me apart. I became very angry and I decided to go back downtown and see some of my so-called "friends" and see what they thought about my being HIV+. I was told that it didn't matter and it was nobody's business. I was told to not tell anyone else and, don't worry about giving it to anybody because nobody worried about giving it to me. And so, that became my new motto. I continued dressing like a woman and prostituting myself knowing that I was HIV+. I took more female hormones and my breasts got larger, larger to the point where I couldn't hide them from my family with big sweatshirts or baggy clothing anymore so I got an apartment and gave up the part time motel and part time home thing. I spent a lot of time escorting also, which is just another word for prostituting, but I didn't have to walk the streets when I was an escort. The clients would call me or page me, from an ad I would run in a newspaper or magazine, and I would go to them or they would come to my place. However, I was still drawn to walk the streets. I guess it was just for the excitement of it all. I would call party lines or date lines to meet guys for my personal pleasures.
Whether for money or for free, I spent the majority of my time engaging in sexual activities with as many strangers as I possibly could. Homosexual men didn't want no parts of a "drag queen" or a "tranny", so I was left with the "straight" men who were in reality the bisexual men. It was the bisexual men who would come to see me. I met a lot of men who never had a homosexual experience until they met me. Some of whom I think of from time to time and wonder
if I gave them HIV or if they were ever saved and born again. How many were dead because of me ?
How many went home to their wives and girlfriends and gave them HIV also?
How many babies were conceived and had HIV due to my actions ?
How many LIVES had my selfish ways ended, ruined or altered ?
At one point I went down south, and all that changed was my surroundings, because it sure wasn't my actions. There came a point when I once again found the wrong crowd of people. I befriended a lesbian who abandoned her son at my apartment. When I called child protective services and reported her, word got back to her that I did so and she came and got him. The next day I was greeted by two detectives who wanted to ask me all types of disturbing questions. They were accusing me of attempting to molest the boy who was left in my home. The boy whom I fed and treated as if he was my family. A young boy that was obviously coached as to what to tell these detectives because they truly thought I was guilty. They didn't arrest me at that point, but they did tell me not to leave town. So I went back home on the next thing smokin', back to Philadelphia. I now had warrants for the charge of 'lewd and lascivious act in the presence of a child' and I had a warrant in Philadelphia for prostitution, I was 22 years old, a "tranny" and HIV+.
Why would I change now ?!? I just kept on doing the same old thing until eventually I was caught and sent to jail.
I was a "commodity" in jail, I knew it, I played the part so well and I could have anyone or anything I wanted
by doing the same thing I was accustomed to doing, having sex and acting as feminine as I possibly could.
I was eventually extradited to a county jail down south where I was once again a commodity. I really believed
that some of these men truly cared for me. I truly thought they had my best interest at heart. Well I was
used and abused there as well. During the next few years I was back and forth between home and
going down south, violating probation, getting arrested for prostitution, staying in motels, being violated,
beaten by lovers, stabbed once, shot at a few times, raped more times than I can count and just tossed and battered by life itself. I did some drugs like cocaine, marijuana, crack, meth, pcp, pills, alcohol, even snorted heroin a few times and I survived to talk about it. I went to prison twice, each time being the rag doll for more men than I could ever count. I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS while in prison and I thought I would die in prison. I KNEW I wanted more. I knew I had compassion and goodness inside of me, so why was I always ending up in bad situations? I mean, I know it was due to my own actions but I just never could understand "why me," a question I asked many times over. Even through all of this, I did manage to keep a smile on my face and make the most of any situation and of every day that I was alive. I never dwelt on any given situation because that just didn't make any sense to me. If I was going to be in that situation then I might as well make the most of it and then my time would go by quicker than if I felt sorry for myself everyday. I remember a correctional officer trying to be sarcastic and asking me if I was "happy" to be in prison because of all the men, she said I probably felt like a "kid in a candy store". I told her that I wasn't "happy" to be in prison but I
sure was happy to be alive and I explained to her that me being gay had no bearing on my happiness.
A concept I was starting to understand slowly but surely.
The last time I was in prison there was an officer, I forget his name, but we called him "Bishop". He was a Christian and he let you know it to. I used to talk with him from time to time and I remember him telling me that WHEN I was saved my testimony would help so many people on so many different levels and walks of life. I now think back and realize he said WHEN I get saved and not IF I ever get saved. I think it may have been that moment that my life started to change, not completely, but he definitely planted that seed. I wanted something more, I just wasn't sure what that was. I was used to being battered and tossed through life, I had relations with more men than I could ever begin to count. There was one Man that I never attempted to get to know or have a relationship with, Jesus Christ. That was around the time I would argue with people that God MADE me gay and I was living the life that He created me to live. After my release from prison in 2006, I thought more about doing the right thing and staying out of trouble. I slipped up on more than one occasion but I sure did think about it a whole lot more. I did a few things that took me back to my old self, but one thing had changed, my appearance. A few years in prison with no hormone shots or pills will definitely do that. My breasts had almost gone away and so did the wideness of my hips, and I became David again. I dressed up a few more times after my release but I just couldn't get comfortable as much as I did years earlier, so I just stopped. I started going to places where gay men wanted to meet other gay men, and prostituted myself a few times but mostly
just engaged in as many sexual encounters as I possibly could...spreading AIDS and not
caring about it either...or those who I was infecting, just as I had done for so many years before.
I had purposely lied to people who asked if I was HIV+, or "sick" and there were also some I purposely broke, poked hole is or removed the condom during sex. I just had absolutely no value for the lived of those who I
was engaging in sexual activities with at all. Reckless. Stupid.
However, regardless of how much harm my actions could, and would, cause I still knew that I wanted God in my life but I also believed that I was MEANT to be homosexual. I wanted a better quality of life. At this point in my life I knew it was easy enough to come by money, as I knew all of the different ways to get a hold of money, whether it be criminal or sexual, or both. I knew how to get physical or sexual contact easy enough. I knew how to escape from the daily trials and tribulations of life with narcotics and alcohol, but none of that mattered because THAT was no longer what I was seeking in my life and in my heart. I wanted the peace that I heard so much about from Christians that would express to me their own compassion for me and my situation. I wanted my life to be whole and at peace. I not only wanted God in my life, I also wanted that peace that I saw in the faces and the eyes of so many Christians I have met through the years. I decided to do what I could to stay out of trouble. I got a job delivering newspapers at night and it worked for me for awhile until faced with the temptations of being able to steal peoples mail and find money, credit cards, gift cards, information, etc... back down that path I wanted to get away from. Then the trials of having very bad dizzy spells and a lot of balance problems caused me to have to give up that job. Turns out I had an infection in my brain. My virus was taking over my body and my immune system was failing. My doctor didn't know if I was going to survive, and neither did I. It was around that same time when I started feeling a lot of pain in my back also, it would come and go like it had for many years, but now it was beginning to be constant & excruciating pain that kept me from moving most of the time and walking became a task I could only accomplish with assistance. I was back and forth to the doctors & hospitals for tests and pain medications for months. Finally being diagnosed with Osteoporosis, Degenerative Disk Disease, herniated disks, and arthritis. I spent months in bed and had to use a walker when I was able to walk. I was ordered a hospital bed as I could no longer lay flat. It was terrible. I was on some very heavy narcotics for pain. So I spent a lot of time in bed doing nothing. This gave me some time to really do some soul searching and find myself. There was definitely a battle going on there. I was spending equal time on the internet between seeking God and watching homosexual pornography, I was definitely torn. I was definitely seeking CHRIST to come into my life. This is the time when I knew I had to make some major changes in my life, and in my thoughts & beliefs. But I stopped seeking Him once I became well enough to get up and get out of the house on my own. I would sell some of my narcotics and go to the casino to gamble, drink and engage in sexual acts wherever and whenever I could. The entire time, knowing I was wrong.
At this point it didn't even matter the age or looks, I just wanted to engage in the pleasures of sexual contact. Well this only lasted so long before I would end up back in bed unable to move. I started to think that my time spent in bed when unable to move may actually be some type of warning, or wake up call telling me something. Then after a few times of feeling better, hanging out, doing wrong and ending up back in bed, in pain, I realized there was some kind of pattern. Summer of 2009 I quit smoking cigarettes when I was told that my next step was an oxygen tank if I wanted to breath correctly. Having so much down time in bed gave me plenty of time to find me and examine myself. I spent a lot of time searching for my father's family who had no clue I even existed. I found myself having the desire to read and to listen to the Bible. One day I just knew in my heart and soul that homosexuality was wrong, it was an "addiction", a sexual addiction, sin, and I had to get away from it. Once I accepted homosexuality as an addiction, it was much easier to actually see that it was SIN. I learned more about God and then I had come under conviction of His Law. It was God's Law that put me under conviction and caused me to repent of my sins and give my life over to Jesus Christ. I opened my heart & soul to Him in October of 2009. I also found my father's family. I had a brother & sister who never knew I existed and a few aunts and cousins also. Wow, I was an emotional wreck. You see, my father, who committed suicide when my Mom was pregnant with me was not in touch with his family at the time so they had no idea of my Mom's existence let alone her being pregnant. Well, after his suicide my Mom moved back to the U.S. from Canada and was never in contact with my father's family. It seemed to me that my actions of doing good and learning about God allowed something great to happen in my life, I thought, "imagine what He can do in my life if I have this desire and drive everyday of my life!!!" I couldn't wait. I erased almost all traces of who I WAS, (photos, emails, letters, etc...) of my past life. I did save a few photos of the "old me" for use in the future if needed for reference to show those who needed to understand just who I WAS. To show WHERE I was and that no matter how deep you are in sin there IS a way out. I decided no more gambling, no more crime, no more homosexuality, no more sin ! I started telling others of what God has done in my life in such a short period of time, and what He can do in theirs also. It turned out I had to let my friends go also, as they just did not want to hear it. It was my birthday 2009 when I hit my breaking point and acted upon temptation for the next to the last time. I found myself in a suite in a casino for my 37th birthday looking into a mirror on the ceiling and wall watching myself engage in sexual activity with another man and I was not only turned off by the whole scene but I was actually disgusted. I could not perform or go through with the whole ordeal. I stopped immediately and told him to leave. I packed up my belongings and went home which is where I thought, prayed and found a way through the whole situation. Shortly after that my mother and I decided to move back up to New England, more so for her to be closer to my sister and grandchildren but for me, it was a fresh new start where I could begin my new life as a man of God, as David. The quality of my life has changed tremendously and I have been able to see more clearly what is right and what is not. I notice a lot of characteristics in myself that I still struggle with and correct when I notice them. It is a daily struggle and I thank God I know the difference between what is good and what is nothing but evil. I like having a feeling come over me that tells me that something is wrong, or bad, because it lets me know I am on the right path because if I wasn't then I wouldn't be feeling guilty or like I need to stay away from certain things or people. Since I have given my life to God on my 37th birthday I have only actually fell and committed the act of sin one time. Yes, one time was all it took for me to feel the guilt and to be ashamed of what I had done, to ask God to forgive me and tell Him I will NOT do it again. That one time was early 2010, during our move to Maine and early in my walk as a Christian, a man of God.
He has given me such a strong will and purpose in life that I refuse to let satan win ever again.
I know that I must die daily, I must lift & carry my cross daily.
Now I can't tell you about your life or what you have been through but I CAN, and will, tell you what The Holy Bible says about sin, living in sin, and being "given up to sin".
Leviticus 18:12 says, Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
Leviticus 20:13 says, If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 tells us that, Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
I love you and I sincerely care for you and your eternal salvation. You must learn God's Law and know it well, then you can understand what is coming at the end of that path you are on. I truly want you to be able to see the sin for what it is, darkness and death. I learned God's Law and I also came to know that I was guilty of sin and that I was also living with a serious illness, an addiction, a sexually immoral and deviate nature that needed healing, the healing that only Jesus Christ can provide.
Roman 1:26-32 is very important... For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, spiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Do you know what it means to be given up to a reprobate mind ? A reprobate mind is a mind that has become so ingrained in evil that it is not able to stop – even in its own best interest. Once you are "given up to sin" there is no other chance to get right with God. To become righteous is to have a right relationship with God. I mean seriously people, do you want to burn in the Lake of Fire for eternity ?? Do you want your mother, father, brother or sister, your family and friends to burn in hell ? Does this not concern you ? Do you not want to do whatever you can do to make it right and turn away from sin ? Do you not want to learn what God did for you ? How he sent His only Begotten Son to die for you, for your sins, and mine. Now trust me when I say, I have been there and I have done that. God DOES have a plan for your life and He DOES love you but if you continue in a life of sin then His Goodness and Love will give Him no other choice but to find you guilty and punish you. It took me thirty something years to allow Jesus into my heart, my soul, my life. Do I ever battle with those feelings or emotions ? Of course I do, but I know that those "urges" and "attractions" are simply and easily nothing but temptation. In order to accept sin for what it is you MUST
realize that it IS SIN and you are a VICTIM of that sin.
I know this to be true and I can guarantee you that even though it may be hard in the beginning, it DOES get easier as time goes by. I have much pleasure and joy being a man of God, knowing that I belong, Amen.
I would like to give God ALL of the Glory
for allowing me to use my testimony & life
experience to reach out to others in
hopes of giving them the courage to
open that door to allow Jesus Christ
to come in. There is nothing that I do
not do while giving God thanks,
glory and credit. He has graciously
given me life when all I deserve is death.
His Grace & Mercy have brought me
through and now my time to be that
man of God that I was created to be, has come.
There will be NO HALF-STEPPIN' ! My life is not mine, but His.
I will be in His Will and I will press on until He calls me home.
There will be many that do not like what I have to say, GOOD!
There will be many more that attempt to hurt me with
their words and maybe even with their fists,
but NOTHING or NOBODY
can stop me from doing God's Will.
In His Love, David Arthur
(Source: http://www.ibelongamen.com/my-testimony--photos.html Used with permission)
There is a difference in the heterosexual dynamic but there are similarities. When a heterosexual falls in love he is projecting his suppressed feminine side or what Jung called the animus onto his love object. The gay man is projecting his suppressed masculine side or anima. This is the first difference. The heterosexual is experiencing through his love object a hidden but minor part of his whole self. When the gay man experiences his own masculinity or anima as a projection on the other man he is experiencing a suppressed core part of himself. That is why gay love and gay sex is so intense compared to heterosexual love and sex and why so often it feels like a compulsion. That is also why the experience at the end of a couple of years when reality breaks through so often differs.
For the heterosexual man he may have had the experience he needed to sufficiently "meet" and incorporate this part of himself into himself. The civilizing impact of marriage on men is well documented. As they reunite with this feminine side of themselves they actually incorporate it into their consciousness and passion turns to compassion and this is reflected in a different set of bonding chemicals in the brain. Sexual attraction and attachment to a projection turns to bonding to a real separate person and real love. The relationship can become very close and sweet.
One of the reasons heterosexual marriage is in trouble is that men marry when they are not fully connected to their own masculinity. Most men in modern culture carry wounds from a lack of connection to their fathers meaning their sense of their masculinity is not fully developed. They go to the woman to affirm their masculinity which a woman cannot do. Being immature as men they miss the opportunity to connect to their animus.
When the gay man begins to see through to the other person, the gay relationship does not allow them to reattach in their conscious mind with their hidden masculinity or anima. Instead it makes them even more estranged from their masculinity. You see their anima is a core part of their personality. It is simply to big a part of them to be restored through an affair with a man. Otherwise a gay affair would turn them straight. The drive to reunite with it will not fade because of a few years of interacting with a projection of it. Only doing the kind of gender affirming work that we do in reparative therapy or other men's work will reunite a man with his own suppressed anima. I should mention that in a micro sense the process does work. Within a short time the man I projected on and who now has seen reality break through is no longer sexy to me. In regard to him I am for all practical purposes heterosexual. Many men with a history of acting out have experienced this with a single sex act. Immediately after you are done the person no longer is of any sexual interest to you. You may have experienced this with an image as well. Sometimes when the brain chemistry is right this can take a couple of years. With heterosexual couples the intensity of sexual attraction might fade but not the way it does in gay relationships. That is because they still carry complementary masculine and feminine personalities and bodies. For the gay couple once the projection is gone the sex if it remains at all will be one of convenience rather like consensual sex by heterosexuals in prison.
(Author: Don. Used with permission)
But what about having to stay alone for the rest of your days? If you mean "lonely" by "alone", then let me remind you that you can - and likely will - be very lonely in the gay scene. Being "alone" is something different. It is a gift that Jesus often used when He went out in the desert to pray. We need to be alone at times to spend some good quality time with ourselves and with God. To be able to be alone is a true treasure. Ever since I left the gay scene, I found times to be "alone", but most of the time the Lord grants me time to spend with the many true friends He brought into my life ever since and with the people He leads to me to help them get back on their feet again. I have never been less "lonely" than since I had left the gay life. I have found a true meaning and purpose in life and also my life has changed in all areas.
So what about "being happy"? I think it is a big misconception in today's culture and society that once with throw something in the "love"- or "being happy"-pool, everything is fine. No, it isn't. Being "happy" is not a criteria that something is good or morally acceptable. An alcoholic who just had a bottle of wodka might say he is "happy" now. A family father might have just left his wife and kids to live with his new girlfriend, "love" her and be "happy" with her for the rest of his days - it would still be unacceptable adultery in a Christian's eyes. Following Christ will give you true joy and tell you about the difference between "being happy" and finding that joy only God can give. And please don't mistake love for a fuzzy feeling. Feelings come and go. Love is a covenant where one person gives himself or herself (reflecting Christ's life-giving covenant with His bride, the Church) and where the two take the willful decision to stay together for their whole lives to become one flesh again. Again? Yes, our sexual drive hints back to the beginnings, where Eve was taken from Adam's flesh. This drive seeks that union back again - becoming one flesh. So much one you have to give this "one" a name nine months after.
To cut it short: I know it isn't easy to leave the gay life. It can be very scare as you have no idea what you signed up for and where this will take you. So for the beginning I give you this piece of advice: Scratch together the little faith and trust you can find in you and put it on God. And then let yourself fall and begin the journey - step by step. God has never broken any of His promises. He will be with you every second of the way and lead you out of this. Promised.
The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Nineveh. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song:
By Don Harper
I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”
And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free
I am free, thank God I am free!
In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.
I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:
1) Everyone has a Nineveh.
At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.
Right there in that theater, my Nineveh came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.
And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.
Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.
The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?
Another Nineveh: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.
2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.
This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.
This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.
For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.
But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.
Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:
1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent
God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.
How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I haven't escaped loneliness or emptiness. I felt more lonely than ever and more empty and broken than I was before I took those steps to pursue my desires, instead of God's. What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.
3) God gives second (and more) chances.
Through Jonah. God said He was going to destroy Nineveh in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.
4) We don't always get what we deserve.
Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.
I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with 200+ men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?
5) God can and will forgive anyone.
The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He had had me convinced that God didn't care, didn't love me, that I had sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.
God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Nineveh. He has forgiven me. Yes, I sinned and was far from what God wanted, but I was not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.
6) God can use anyone. After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.
When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.
The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.
It has really resonated in me. I wanted to run to God and beg His forgiveness after the production. I didn't do that, but it changed me, and was one more thing God used to bring me back to Him in a whole new way.
I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.